What NOT to say to your infertile friend
Infertility and miscarriage are such awkward topics in a relationship. You tend to want to stray away from them because you don’t really know what to say. You certainly don’t know what to say if you’ve never experienced anything like this. Don’t worry, I got cha back!
Now, in my previous posts, I expressed how I really didn’t have anyone to talk to when I was going through miscarriage and infertility. Although I had no one to talk to, I don’t think people really knew how to talk to me either. So I’m going to tell you what not to say to your infertile friend, and some suggestions on what to say instead. Fair?
Here are some things that were said to me by my friends and family members. I never expressed to them my feelings or how some things made me uncomfortable because again, who really knows what to say. Here’s the first one…
I will have a baby for you
I know this statement was meant for good, meant to help. My infertile, sensitive mind took it as such. “You can’t have children, I can, let me do you a favor”. Once again, I’m reminded and that everyone around me can easily have children, even mine. I was looking for something more along the lines of
You’re going to have your baby and I’m going to be right there with you
Do not count your infertile friend out! Regardless of what the doctors say, God has the last say so.
You should be happy you don’t have any kids
This is statement is truly insulting coming from a person who has children! You get to feel your baby in the womb, you get to see them moving around during a sonogram and you get to hold them in your arms. I know that parenting is not always easy but I also know there are a lot of joyous moments that come with it that you wouldn’t trade for the world. Instead of these words let try…
You are going to be a great mom when you do have children
Tell me I’m going to love being a mom. Tell me it’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Give me something to look forward to.
At least you know you can get pregnant.
I’m sorry, this is my least favorite of them all! Getting pregnant is not the problem, staying pregnant is the issue. Maybe from a different perspective getting pregnant is the hard part, which in some infertile friends it is. If you know your friend has had multiple miscarriage then getting pregnant is not the hard part. In other words, try
You’re going to get pregnant and stay pregnant next time. Stay positive!
The key is to be encouraging. Regardless of the doctor’s reports, regardless of the circumstances, be encouraging! Do not count your infertile friend out which brings me to my next point…
I didn’t invite you because you don’t have any children or
Because I didn’t know how inviting you to the baby shower would make you feel
Big no no. Leave it up to your infertile friend to decide if she wants to be a part of such events. We don’t want to feel left out because of this unfortunate season in our lives. Invite us and if we decide not to come, then just respect our wishes. How about
You are more than welcome to come but if not I completely understand.
It was very hard watching my best friend of 16 years be pregnant shortly after the loss of my 2nd angel. I hosted her baby shower, chose to be there for her gender reveal sonogram and even held up her leg while she gave birth. I saw everything from beginning to end may I add. I know the thought of me still wanting kids makes me sound completely insane. So although it was hard, I cried, I asked God why many many times, I knew my best friend needed me and I was there!
Oh and by the way…
I love kids (and cake) so please don’t feel like you’re doing me a favor by not inviting me to birthday parties & baby showers.
Maybe it’s not meant for you to have kids, just adopt.
OK now say it with me, DON’T COUNT ME OUT! Maybe you are just trying to be realistic and not give me false hope. I get it, but God is a God of ALL things, even the impossible. He has a proven track record of performing miracles. So before you tell your infertile friend what’s not meant for them, remember, you are not God. As simple as I put the period behind “ADOPT” it is simply not that easy. Just like trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant is emotionally draining, so is adoption. Not mention it is costly!
Moral of the story is, be encouraging, and…say it with me
DO NOT COUNT YOUR INFERTILE FRIEND OUT!
I get it you may not understand the emotions your infertile friend is going through but do the best you can. Here are some ways you can help your infertile friend cope with her loss and or infertility
- Call to check on her from time to time
- Take her out to lunch (or in my case happy hour) just to talk
- Follow up with her after her doctor’s appointments
- Buy her a memorial gift
- Pray with and for her
The most important thing is to just be there for your infertile friend! What are some other No No comments you’ve heard after a loss or infertility? Or what are some other ways to help your friend?