What NOT to say to your infertile friend

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Infertility and miscarriage are such awkward topics in a relationship. You tend to want to stray away from them because you don’t really know what to say. You certainly don’t know what to say if you’ve never experienced anything like this. Don’t worry, I got cha back!

 Now, in my previous posts, I expressed how I really didn’t have anyone to talk to when I was going through miscarriage and infertility. Although I had no one to talk to, I don’t think people really knew how to talk to me either. So I’m going to tell you what not to say to your infertile friend, and some suggestions on what to say instead. Fair?

Here are some things that were said to me by my friends and family members. I never expressed to them my feelings or how some things made me uncomfortable because again, who really knows what to say. Here’s the first one…

I will have a baby for you

I know this statement was meant for good, meant to help. My infertile, sensitive mind took it as such. “You can’t have children, I can, let me do you a favor”. Once again, I’m reminded and that everyone around me can easily have children, even mine. I was looking for something more along the lines of

You’re going to have your baby and I’m going to be right there with you

Do not count your infertile friend out! Regardless of what the doctors say, God has the last say so.

Moving on…

You should be happy you don’t have any kids

This is statement is truly insulting coming from a person who has children! You get to feel your baby in the womb, you get to see them moving around during a sonogram and you get to hold them in your arms. I know that parenting is not always easy but I also know there are a lot of joyous moments that come with it that you wouldn’t trade for the world. Instead of these words let try…

You are going to be a great mom when you do have children

Tell me I’m going to love being a mom. Tell me it’s not going to be easy but it will be worth it. Give me something to look forward to.

Next,

At least you know you can get pregnant.

I’m sorry, this is my least favorite of them all! Getting pregnant is not the problem, staying pregnant is the issue. Maybe from a different perspective getting pregnant is the hard part, which in some infertile friends it is. If you know your friend has had multiple miscarriage then getting pregnant is not the hard part. In other words, try

You’re going to get pregnant and stay pregnant next time. Stay positive!

The key is to be encouraging. Regardless of the doctor’s reports, regardless of the circumstances, be encouraging! Do not count your infertile friend out which brings me to my next point…

I didn’t invite you because you don’t have any children or

Because I didn’t know how inviting you to the baby shower would make you feel

 

Big no no. Leave it up to your infertile friend to decide if she wants to be a part of such events. We don’t want to feel left out because of this unfortunate season in our lives. Invite us and if we decide not to come, then just respect our wishes. How about

You are more than welcome to come but if not I completely understand.

It was very hard watching my best friend of 16 years be pregnant shortly after the loss of my 2nd angel. I hosted her baby shower, chose to be there for her gender reveal sonogram and even held up her leg while she gave birth. I saw everything from beginning to end may I add. I know the thought of me still wanting kids makes me sound completely insane. So although it was hard, I cried, I asked God why many many times, I knew my best friend needed me and I was there!

Oh and by the way…

I love kids (and cake) so please don’t feel like you’re doing me a favor by not inviting me to birthday parties & baby showers.

And lastly,

Maybe it’s not meant for you to have kids, just adopt.

OK now say it with me, DON’T COUNT ME OUT! Maybe you are just trying to be realistic and not give me false hope. I get it, but God is a God of ALL things, even the impossible. He has a proven track record of performing miracles. So before you tell your infertile friend what’s not meant for them, remember, you are not God. As simple as I put the period behind “ADOPT” it is simply not that easy. Just like trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant is emotionally draining, so is adoption. Not mention it is costly!

Moral of the story is, be encouraging, and…say it with me

DO NOT COUNT YOUR INFERTILE FRIEND OUT!

I get it you may not understand the emotions your infertile friend is going through but do the best you can. Here are some ways you can help your infertile friend cope with her loss and or infertility

  • Call to check on her from time to time
  • Take her out to lunch (or in my case happy hour) just to talk
  • Follow up with her after her doctor’s appointments
  • Buy her a memorial gift
  • Pray with and for her

The most important thing is to just be there for your infertile friend! What are some other No No comments you’ve heard after a loss or infertility? Or what are some other ways to help your friend?

19 Comments

  1. Tiffany

    June 29, 2017 at 8:14 am

    I LOVE THIS!!!! I am currently going through this and I appreciate the open discussion!

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:19 pm

      Bless your heart. Never ever ever give up, regardless of the circumstances or the haters! If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free reach out to me. Thank you for reading!

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:16 pm

      Thank you for reading!

  2. Becca Kern

    June 29, 2017 at 8:17 am

    This is such a sensitive subject for a lot of woman and it’s great that you’re helping out! My sister struggled for a while, especially seeing so many woman get pregnant. Great read!

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:19 pm

      Thank you for reading!

  3. Zhade

    June 29, 2017 at 8:34 am

    Oh this brings back so many memories. My husband and I tried for 3 years before we had an IUI and got pregnant. I had one friend who told me (after I accidentally let the S word slip in front of an 8 year old) that I wasn’t getting pregnant because I had a potty mouth!
    When I finally did get pregnant one of my best friends was pregnant too. She was supposed to be taking my maternity pictures and she lost her baby just a few weeks before. We cried about it together and she went ahead and did the pictures because she said my baby was still worth celebrating even with what she was going through.
    Thank you for making this list! For those that haven’t went through infertility or miscarriage sometimes they just don’t understand how hurtful and insensitive their words can be.

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:16 pm

      Wow!! I can’t believe some of the comments from insensitive people. That was so sweet of your bestfriend to follow through as promised. I know that was hard for her. Thank you for reading and thank you for sharing!

  4. Kathleen

    June 29, 2017 at 9:18 am

    This is an amazing post. It is such a sensitive subject and I wish everyone knew the right things to say. You have some awesome tips here!

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:11 pm

      Thank you for reading!

  5. Victoria with One Sharp Mama

    June 29, 2017 at 9:28 am

    I wrote a post very similar to this! I’m so thankful that others are sharing information like this. Infertility and the people it impacts are something more people need to be aware of. Thank you so much 💗

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:11 pm

      Thanks for reading! And thank for being one to boldly blog about such sensitive subject. But you’re absolutely right, people need to hear this.

  6. Stacy

    June 29, 2017 at 9:34 am

    Listen with Presence and Compassion

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:08 pm

      Yes! Definitely a great tip. Thanks for reading and sharing!

  7. Jessica Taylor

    June 29, 2017 at 9:42 am

    YES YES YES!! My best friend has lost two children and the amount of insensitive comments she receives is astonishing! My heart is constantly breaking for her.

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:23 pm

      Thanks for reading! Remember to just be there for her, listen to her and support her decisions.

  8. Melanie Sparks

    June 29, 2017 at 10:04 am

    These are great things to keep in mind. It’s easy to stick my foot in my mouth sometimes. My other thing is just people asking when I’m having another child. I’m not because the last one almost did me in — literally. So, it’s a no.

  9. Kay

    June 29, 2017 at 5:28 pm

    This is definitely a topic that needs to be discussed more. I think you have great alternatives for ways to talk about such a hard subject.

    1. Dee

      July 2, 2017 at 4:06 pm

      Thanks for reading!

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