The Truth About Being YOUNG, BLACK & INFERTILE
For those of you that do not know my history, I’ll give you a short recap.
Ok so I’m black (I’m sure I gave that away in the title) and I experienced my first miscarriage at the age of 22 and four more between the ages of 26 and 28. I am now 28 years old and I am completely infertile after losing both of my fallopian tubes, due to having two ectopic pregnancies. You can read more about my history here on my very first blog All for the love of my Angel Babies.
I’m going to be completely honest on how I truly felt about all of this. My first problem was…
Like how could this be happening to me? Girls my age you just look at them and they get pregnant. Some girls my age even only have sex one time and BAM! They say “Something is in the water, everyone is pregnant!”. I’d never drank so much water in my life. So I’m at my most fertile peak in age and you’re telling me I can’t get pregnant? Why not?!?! OK, vent session over. In my first marriage, I struggled to get pregnant and when I did I miscarried.
I didn’t understand at the time what in the world I was doing wrong.
Quite frankly, I was embarrassed. As time went on I realized, that there is no age requirement for infertility. I never knew that many people had miscarriages and infertility issues just as young as me. Since there is this misconception that young women do not have infertility issues, we tend to be ashamed and quite about them. So secondly I thought…
Now after my miscarriages, I searched for answers. I wanted to know why? I became the GOOGLE queen of every miscarriage question you could imagine…
What can you do to prevent a miscarriage?
Can you “miscarry” but still be pregnant?
How long after a miscarriage can you get pregnant again?
All sorts of crazy questions but, in the midst of my researching, I never really saw any black women sharing their experiences. I never saw many black women creating infertility blogs or leading pregnancy loss groups. My first visit to the fertility clinic, I saw no black women in the waiting area or coming in and out of the office. My mom, a beautiful black woman, had four children, one by the age of 15…ME! My grandmother, rest her soul, had five children. My friends had children, had never experienced a miscarriage and guess what they were all black! So again, how in the world could this be happening to me?!
I had no family or friends I could turn to that had experienced a loss or infertility. I thought surly this is not a “black thang”!
Now I know, my age and my race have absolutely nothing to do with my infertility. Women of all races experience these very emotional times at some point in their lives. After all of the pregnancies, all of the miscarriages, all of the tears, all of the love loss, all of the doctors searching for answers, all of the pain and all of the surgeries, now…
Being infertile is definitely NOT how I planned on spending the rest of my life. I thought for sure I’d have at least 2 kids by the time I was 25. I’ve always been the nurturing motherly type so I thought for sure God had chosen me to be a mother. As a woman, I felt incomplete. Finding out I was infertile hurt me to my soul. I’d look in the mirror at myself and burst out in tears. I’d look at my scars on my stomach and think about all the things I shoulda coulda done differently. How could I possibly fulfill my role as a wife if I cannot give him the greatest gift, a child?
I even started to think that maybe I didn’t REALLY want kids.
Maybe it was just society telling me that was the role of a woman, get married and have children. But I knew that this was not true! God has put this desire so deep down in my heart that I just cannot shake it no matter how hard I tried. I still cry inside when I see pregnant woman’s sonogram because I’ve never had one where you could actually see the baby. For my follow up appointment for my last surgery, I walked by a room where I could hear a baby’s heartbeat. I’m sure I died in that very moment! I won’t say that things have always come easy to me because I’ve worked very hard but, I’ve been blessed with everything I’ve asked God for. Having a baby has been the most difficult because I am not in control.
I really had to step it up with my faith during this season. What is God REALLY trying to tell me? Not what‘s on the surface, that I can’t naturally bear children but what is he really saying?? He’s saying…
Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God”
Matthew 7:7 “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you”
Isaiah 66:9 “In the same way I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born”
Psalm 34:18 “The LORD is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who spirits are crushed”
I will never forget what I’ve been through and I will never give up! What are some of your struggles during your pregnancy loss or infertility season?